Watching obscure animated films from other countries that barely anybody has heard of has been one of the greatest pleasures to experience in quarantine. Upon learning that Sir Sean Connery, who most believe hasn’t made a film since The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, came out of retirement to voice the lead character in Scotland’s first CGI animated movie in 2012, it was only natural that it would be a must-watch.
In the grand scheme of family movies there are great for all ages, tedious but safe, safe but puzzlingly bad, and bad and inappropriate films, but then there’s Sir Billi, or as it’s also known The Guardian of the Highlands. It truly surpasses all the bad that you’ve seen and made a whole new category for itself in cinematic history.
The animation alone is fairly poor, it’s pretty obvious that this is the country’s first CGI film because the characters don’t quite fit into the background. They usually have a halo of light around their bodies, and their clothes are too glossy and smooth without any texture. The mouth animation doesn’t match up to the dialogue and when you notice that the boobs on the women in this movie have had more attention done to them than any other characters, you know you’re in for a ride.
The world of Sir Billi is mixed with humans and anthropomorphic animals (Sir Billi has a goat sidekick named Gordon that dresses up like Bruce Lee) where the police cage young animals trying to separate them from the humans. It’s truly horrific when the opening shot is about kids in cages crying their eyes out when compared to what is happening in our country today. Making matters even more confusing, not all of the animals are anthropomorphic, sometimes a dog is just a dog.
Sir Billi is a skateboarding veterinarian that has more power than the cops and tries to rescue a family of beavers when their adopted kid falls off of a large cliff and is washed down river. The mother of this kid falls off too but we see a brutal sequence where she is pulled underwater and smashes her head into a rock leaving her unconscious and making the viewer think that she died. She didn’t, but there is a sequence where this movie really tries to make you believe that she’s dead or at least paralyzed for life.
This movie’s treatment of women is honestly shocking. Every woman has the hots for Sir Billi, and most women are dressed with their cleavage sticking out in a provocative way. In the end, Sir Billi gets with a woman as young as his daughter, who explicitly says that she’s super happy to see her dad hook up with a younger girl. Not only is she happy, but the film has a line where Sir Billi’s daughter says “What an enviable chest. They don’t make them like that here.” During the credits it takes the next step as the three or so main “lusty” women sing, dress scantily, and seduce viewers in an uncomfortable way. That isn’t even scratching the surface with how horny this movie is.
The third act gets even crazier as a Russian submarine appears for no reason. Literally, there is no plot reason nor does the submarine affect the plot in any way. More child endangerment, more horny time, and tons of James Bond references. More fake-out death scenes and a slew of other jaw-dropping moments. Sir Billi is a snowball rolling down a mountain as the insanity and wackiness continues to grow and expand as it goes on.
Truly, this movie strikes awe in its viewers as it makes one ponder how the hell it was made, why Sir Sean Connery signed on, and most importantly, what are you doing with your life that you decided to watch it. This movie can be only experienced and it’s a pleasure to get through, especially if you have friends to share the experience with. By the time someone finishes Sir Billi they would have turned into the Jackie Chan confused meme.
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